greatest. IM. quotes. ever.

Regarding: The Gym

2012-02-07T12:00:00.000-08:00

me: this reminds me
me: my gym has literally the most unattractive people ever
me: either fit people with jacked up mugs or doughy girls trying to get back in game shape
me: it's so freaking bizarre
L: which category do you fall into
me: doughy girl trying to get back into game shape

Regarding: Office Practices

2011-05-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

me: went to walgreens during lunch
me: snagged a box of otter pops for $1
Christopher: awesome
Christopher: it's been far too long since my last real otter pop
me: well, i smuggled them in the office and put them in my work fridge (the freezer compartment)
Christopher: i honestly don't know what our otter pop policy is here at work

Regarding: Terrible Liars

2010-10-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

Taylor: I can't tonight, thanks for the invite -- catching up with some dude I haven't seen in a while
me: it's not tonight, it's tomorrow
me: now you just made this awkward
me: because you have to find another excuse
Taylor: Shoot, of course, I was a day off on meeting up with that friend!
Taylor: I mean...he just canceled tonight and rescheduled
Taylor: I mean, I called to reschedule

Regarding: Mommy

2010-05-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

L: i dont even know what i wanna be when i grow up
me: when i was 5
me: i told my mom that i wanted to be a mommy when i grew up
L: did you really
me: i did.
me: not something i would make up
L: that's awesome
me: but now that i'm older, and all kinds of boring at my job
me: "mommy" doesn't sound too bad.
L: you need to marry some rich ambitious chick so you can be a stay at home dad
L: and play catch and video games all day
me: you know what mommies get to do on the job???
L: watch oprah?
me: nope
me: facebook
me: like, it's PART of the job
L: i kinda wish you would stop saying "mommy"

Regarding: The Special Effects of Life

2010-04-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

Amanda: hmmm wanna fill me in or not really?

me: nothing to fill you in about

Amanda: ooooook

me: my life is boring lately

me: maybe that's what's wrong with me

Amanda: how is it so boring?

me: not nearly enough explosions.

Regarding: Bed and Breakfasts

2010-03-12T13:08:00.001-08:00

Emily: i was going to tell you, theres an extended groupon that is a weekend for 2 thats a murder mystery at a B&B in wills point

Emily: for $99 meals included

me: what's the downside? one of us has to get murdered?

Regarding: Boston Market Locations

2009-10-05T11:18:00.000-07:00

me: hey i was thinking
me: are there even boston markets in boston?
L: ive never seen one...
me: yeah, that's what i thought
L: as it turns out, there are
me: a lot?
L: 1 in boston proper, 7 more w/n 10 miles
me: ha, there are three times as many in the metroplex
me: i figured it was just a name and nothing more
me: kind of like how there are no Texadelphias in Texadelphia
L: hahahhaha

Regarding: One Big Happy Family

2009-08-17T08:43:00.000-07:00

linds: hi
linds: so ryan is buying the tickets
linds: he found this special
linds: Coca-Cola Total Family Tickets include four tickets, four jumbo hot dogs, four Coca-Cola soft drinks, and one general parking pass.
me: sweet
me: can i be the mom?

Regarding: Dog Naming

2009-08-07T13:25:00.000-07:00

Jeron: for a security question... how about "what is sprocket's alter ego's name?"
me: well yeah, but he has several
me: Jerry? Eli? LB?
Jeron: haha
Jeron: Jerry
Jeron: i dont know those others!
me: Eli was what Lindsey named him when she gave him to me
me: and actually when he was born his name was Liberty
me: (ick)
Jeron: whoa
Jeron: liberty?
Jeron: seriously?
me: well
me: he was born on the day that the Patriots won the super bowl
me: so the first born was named Patriot
me: another one Freedom
me: Liberty
me: etc.
me: they're just temporary names anyway
Jeron: that's so gross i can hardly stand to think about it
me: i don't think the breeders intend for them to stick
me: they probably breed a LOT of dogs and get sick of naming them
Jeron: i would just use a random passkey generator and name them that way
me: hahahahahaha
Jeron: brilliant huh?
me: yeah
Jeron: "aw, how cute... your name will be: C0A5EF22A4B4746D7DF49B003A3217614AE3F11A5FC058745A3D86E2F857177D"

Regarding: Growing Pains

2009-07-31T10:34:00.000-07:00

Emily: So you are telling me I can trick you in to watching old episodes of Dawsons Creek, as long as you are at home?
me: on hulu?
Emily: I don't know if its on hulu... I had to turn to AOL video last night to watch an episode of growing pains
me: which episode?
me: was it the one where mike got in trouble and carol was awkward?

Regarding: Kids These Days

2009-01-07T08:53:00.000-08:00

Ross: explain that teen birthrate to me
Ross: it cant be right
Ross: if the teen birthrate is 40%
Ross: 40% of babies born are from teen mothers?
me: what's sad is these are birth rates
me: not pregnancy rates
me: so throw in abortions and you've got a nation of humping teens
Ross: that's shocking when you think about how fascinating video games are these days

Regarding: People Who Can Likely Give Dan Majerle a Job

2008-11-12T11:52:00.000-08:00

me: did you watch the colbert report last night
L: negative
me: guess who was on?
me: ...mayor-elect of Sacramento
L: ?
me: kevin johnson!
me: your fave NBA player
L: KJ is gonna be a mayor???
me: yup
L: what are his qualifications...
me: he's pro-education, wants to develop the city's green credentials, and has a sweet crossover dribble.

Regarding: Scavenger Hunts

2008-07-16T13:32:00.000-07:00

me: can we please go on a scavenger hunt
me: i'll let you call it a date
Ashlee: sure
Ashlee: search item #1: your masculinity
me: yeah, but i want a scavenger hunt we can actually finish

Regarding: Know How I Know You're Gay?

2008-06-20T08:52:00.001-07:00

L: do you have the new coldplay?
me: i'd rather have a new coldsore

Regarding: Old-Timey Phrases

2008-06-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

L: you probs shouldnt pay if you dont want it to be date-y
L: but if you wanna leave your options open then totally pay
me: what do you mean "leave my options open"
L: i think you know what i mean
me: you mean fork over the cash if i want to bed her
L: i like bed her
L: good phrase
me: does it sound romantic?
L: it sounds old-timey
L: i like old-timey
L: like pantaloons
me: ok
me: so i need to fork over the money if i want to get into her pantaloons.

Regarding: Anacronyms

2008-05-20T22:22:00.001-07:00

me: did you see what her status said?
L: i missed it what was it
me: "Anacronyms galore"
L: hahahahahahaha
L: like, an acronym from the wrong time period?
L: a historically incorrect abbreviation?
me: i guess
me: JWAW
me: "Jesus wore a watch"
L: hahahahahaha
L: good example
me: i swear, i was there mentally before you were
me: but you beat me to the punch
me: i was thinking anachronistic acronyms the whole time
me: GKSTI
me: Genghis Khan surfed the internet
me: ATGTTB
me: Alexander the Great Tivoed "The Bachelor"
me: AEBHR
me: Albert Einstein broke his Roomba
me: i'm gonna keep going until you validate me
me: BFCFHJJ
me: Benjamin Franklin couldn't finish his Jamba Juice
me: you know, if they ever found out that i do this crap all day while on the clock, i'd get fired on the spot

Regarding: Loose Definitions

2008-03-24T11:13:00.000-07:00

maggs: what's that mexican food restaurant that i didn't like?
me: taco delite?
maggs: oh yeah
me: i wouldn't call it a "mexican food restaurant"
maggs: true
me: "restaurant" is definitely a stretch
me: as is "mexican"
me: and "food"

Regarding: When You Know You Should Get Back to Work

2008-02-11T14:32:00.000-08:00

me: whered ya go
L: cvs
L: to get vday cards
me: awwwwwwww
me: don't go all out on mine
me: make it more like a thank you card
me: like pretend i threw a party
me: invited everyone i knew
me: and i would see
me: the biggest gift would be from you
me: and the card attached would say
me: "thank you for being a friend"
L: you seriously just typed that all out
me: uh, yeah.

Regarding: Dogs in the Modern Age

2008-01-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

me: LB got his microchip in yesterday
L: how'd that go?
me: well
me: it's kinda funny when you can scan a dog and you get like a serial number back
me: i asked the vet, "now that we can scan him, can i go ahead and return him?"
L: hahaha
L: could you scan him at target
L: you know with those price checkers
me: yeah, it makes me kinda wonder
L: or could people register for him

Regarding: Forbes.com, NSFW

2008-01-07T11:26:00.000-08:00

me: dude
me: this is at the top of my gmail right now
me: Forbes.com: Most popular stories - Morgan Stanley: Probing The Bottom?
Ross: hahahaha
me: i have no idea what that article is about, and i don't think i want to know.

Regarding: Friends by Default

2005-12-18T13:21:00.000-08:00

Mr toe: ooh, two towers is on
jasonatperot: yeah they're doing all 3 today
Mr toe: dude!
jasonatperot: yeah, why the hell are you talking to me?
Mr toe: i can see the TV from here, and you're the only one who'll talk to me
jasonatperot: hahahahahahaha, that's really funny
Mr toe: hahahhahaahhaha, it's so sad, though
jasonatperot: yeah.

Regarding: Smart Dating Strategies

2005-11-28T13:54:00.000-08:00

PSCMHawthorne: take both of them... then you will be that much cooler
jasonatperot: hmmm i dunno
PSCMHawthorne: just take two dates so if you ever don't have a date you can be like, "hey don't u remember that time i had two dates though"

Regarding: Ways to Get Famous

2005-10-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

jasonatperot: let's have 16 kids and then we can get on tv
labaloha: no thanks, not worth it
jasonatperot: perhaps, but you also get a guinness book world record of "gapingest vagina"

Regarding: The Upside of Natural Disasters

2005-09-21T12:48:00.000-07:00

PSCMHawthorne: ryan is coming home too
PSCMHawthorne: yay
PSCMHawthorne: i love hurricanes, they are increasing my social calendar

Regarding: The Case for Honesty

2005-09-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

jasonatperot: ugh, she calls me like every day
jasonatperot: i have to make up excuses of why not to hang out with her, i am running out
urmomsahoe: good luck
urmomsahoe: I got nothing
urmomsahoe: Thought I had an excuse...then nothing
jasonatperot: i think you're on to something
jasonatperot: "i can't hang out, i thought i had an excuse, but... nothing."
jasonatperot: "i guess i just don't want to hang out with you."
urmomsahoe: that's the ticket.
urmomsahoe: that way you guys can still be friends, rather than all that lying that is sure to destroy your friendship

Regarding: Shirt Sizes vs. Clairvoyance

2005-08-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

labaloha: what the hell size am i at jcrew
labaloha: do you think i am a medium?
jasonatperot: probably not, your predictions rarely come true

Regarding: We ARE Talking About Cars, Right?

2005-08-22T14:11:00.000-07:00

labaloha: did you know that hummers came in hybrids
jasonatperot: yeah
jasonatperot: i hear bisexuals really like hybrid hummers

Regarding: When It's Not Meant For You

2005-08-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

Mr toe: hey, my brother got engaged
lylapco: Come back with that same look in your eye....from the one woman show i did senior year
Mr toe: uh... what?
lylapco: hahaha
lylapco: wow
lylapco: entered that into the wrong window

Regarding: When Quotes Should Be Used

2005-07-20T20:20:00.000-07:00

jenileebrooke: do you like friends?
jasonatperot: nah, they only complicate things in my view
jenileebrooke: the show
jasonatperot: oh. right.

Regarding: Real Actual Advice

2005-07-15T12:51:00.000-07:00

jasonatperot: linds, don't trust people with real actual blogs.

Regarding: Mistakes I've Made

2005-06-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

Mr toe: dude. don't ever compare an 8 year old student of mine to a chick i might be able to get to sleep with me.

Regarding: Thoughts From a Sleep-Deprived Mind

2005-06-01T13:00:00.000-07:00

jasonatperot: dude you know what would be messed up
jasonatperot: like, maybe the most messed up thing in the world
Mr toe: what's that
jasonatperot: if, like, you saw someone giving birth to a baby
jasonatperot: and it was born and everything
jasonatperot: and before they could wrap it up in a towel
jasonatperot: THAT baby gave birth to an even smaller baby?
jasonatperot: holy SHIT!!!!!
Mr toe: haha, like that russian toy
jasonatperot: and then that small baby gives birth AGAIN
jasonatperot: but to a roll of grape pez.
Mr toe: hmm.
jasonatperot: too much?
Mr toe: well, it's just that the second generation baby is already the size of a roll of grape pez.
Mr toe: maybe just one grape pez.
Mr toe: that i'd buy.

Regarding: Understanding Our Roots

2005-05-17T08:11:00.000-07:00

labaloha: actually, when my parents got married it was under the stipulation that they would never have kids
labaloha: but then when they moved to texas my mom got lonely and they decided to have me
jasonatperot: so basically i am talking to you now because your mom got bored.
labaloha: basically

Regarding: Ethnic Food Perks

2005-04-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

jasonatperot: i love to eat tongue, because it's like, "hey, who's tasting who here?"

Regarding: I'll Take the Physical Challenge, Marc

2005-02-20T20:54:00.000-08:00

AmandaH: do you know who marc summers is
jasonatperot: heck yes i do
AmandaH: we had brunch next to him today
jasonatperot: that would be bad ass if you found a red flag in the middle of your scrambled eggs

Regarding: When to Get an Air Freshener

2005-02-01T13:37:00.000-08:00

labaloha: my office kinda smells like throw up

Regarding: Misspelling Your Son's Name. Twice.

2005-01-19T13:24:00.000-08:00

LindLAND: Are you there, Zzaton?
Mr toe: out.
LindLAND: Oh, Aaron
Mr toe: haha, hey mom
LindLAND: Are you out?
Mr toe: i was actually typing to someone else
LindLAND: OK, ZZaton

Regarding: More Spelling Mistakes

2005-01-13T15:01:00.000-08:00

MaggiePrin2: you are such an asshole
jasonatperot: you misspelled "awesome"

Regarding: Baad Spellors

2005-01-13T15:00:00.000-08:00

labaloha: i spell hooribly too

Regarding: Instant Word Power

2005-01-04T10:46:00.000-08:00

Mr toe: there's a word for throwing something out a window?
jasonatperot: yeah, defenestrate
Mr toe: that's like... having a word for shitting down a chimney

Regarding: The Gayest Conversation

2004-12-21T14:44:00.000-08:00

labaloha: guess what
jasonatperot: you're gay?
labaloha: what no
jasonatperot: i'm gay?
labaloha: are you?
jasonatperot: i don't think so
jasonatperot: i thought you were going to tell me
labaloha: well, i dont really think you are
jasonatperot: neither do i
jasonatperot: but is that what you were going to tell me?
labaloha: no
labaloha: guess again
jasonatperot: i'm gay?
jasonatperot: no, wait, did i guess that already
labaloha: you want me to just tell you
jasonatperot: well, only if it doesn't have to do with someone being gay
jasonatperot: because if it does, i'm close
labaloha: no, it doesnt
labaloha: i learned how to use illustrator
labaloha: arent you excited
jasonatperot: i guess
jasonatperot: but not nearly as excited as i would have been had someone been gay.

Regarding: Robert Smith's Charity Marathons

2004-12-21T14:42:00.000-08:00

MaggiePrin2: no i haven't made any plans for this weekend yet
MaggiePrin2: i am running the race for the cure on saturday morning
jasonatperot: oh yeah
jasonatperot: i hope you win it
MaggiePrin2: yeah right
jasonatperot: well it's not a big deal if you don't
jasonatperot: i mean who wants to race for a shitty 80's band anyway

Regarding: Things I Shouldn't Have Laughed Out Loud At

2004-12-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

MaggiePrin2: well he did go to A&M can expect much more than tool
jasonatperot: maggs, your run-ons are getting real bad
MaggiePrin2: that wasn't a runon, really
jasonatperot: well i don't understand it.
MaggiePrin2: i meant to say can't expect
jasonatperot: k
MaggiePrin2: hey, its IM, not the new york times here

Regarding: Exavuae-ing

2004-12-21T14:07:00.000-08:00

labaloha: we just had to exavuae

Regarding: The Hour-and-a-Half Long Joke

2004-12-09T11:59:00.000-08:00

labaloha (2:55:47 PM): where does laura live
jasonatperot (2:56:11 PM): d.c.
labaloha (2:56:21 PM): in the district
jasonatperot (2:56:54 PM): let me get out my district map
jasonatperot (2:57:00 PM): hold on
labaloha (2:57:02 PM): no
jasonatperot (2:57:10 PM): i'll have it, just a second
labaloha (2:57:13 PM): i meant, does she live in the district or in georgetown
jasonatperot (2:57:18 PM): i'm looking
labaloha (2:57:18 PM): or in virginia
jasonatperot (2:57:19 PM): hold on
labaloha (3:20:58 PM): my boss sucks so bad
jasonatperot (3:37:00 PM): can't talk, i am looking it up
labaloha (3:37:06 PM): ok
labaloha (4:25:05 PM): did you find it
jasonatperot (4:25:17 PM): almost got it
labaloha (4:25:22 PM): ok

Regarding: ...the hell?

2004-12-09T11:41:00.000-08:00

AmandaH: has your crotch ever fallen asleep

Regarding: Violating SpongeBob

2004-12-01T11:35:00.000-08:00

jasonatperot: have you heard about people stealing all the spongebob blowups at burger king?
labaloha: no, but there is one on the one by my house
jasonatperot: they are being stolen in droves
labaloha: thats funny
labaloha: i wonder what they are doing with them
jasonatperot: i know what i would do with one
labaloha: what would you do?
jasonatperot: same thing i do with all blow-up dolls
labaloha: oh god

Regarding: Dealing Insults to the Spelling Impaired

2004-10-11T17:07:00.000-07:00

MaggiePrin2: i think i am going to make chilli tonight
jasonatperot: how can you make it when you can't even spell it
MaggiePrin2: chili
jasonatperot: better.
MaggiePrin2: i am a better cook than speller
jasonatperot: well the fact that you're not dead from food poisoning tells me that much

Regarding: Subtlety

2004-10-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

labaloha: so you want to know my new favorite word?
ibruiseeasily: is it "barrage"
ibruiseeasily: as in, my friend sends me a "barrage" of IMs
ibruiseeasily: or there is a total "barrage" of senseless information that my friend is trying to send my way
ibruiseeasily: or i am receiving a "barrage" of pointless questions

Regarding: Cruising up to D.C. After Work (from Dallas)

2004-09-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

labaloha: what are you doing tonight
MaggiePrin2: i am going to javier's for dinner
labaloha: what is that
MaggiePrin2: a mexican food restaurant
MaggiePrin2: with my dad
labaloha: is he in town?
labaloha: or are you going to dc?

Regarding: Understanding Common Sayings

2004-09-27T13:14:00.000-07:00

ibruiseeasily: are you teaching?
Mr toe: nah; i'm delivering pizza
ibruiseeasily: where at
Mr toe: mangia pizza
ibruiseeasily: you just made that up, huh
Mr toe: hahaha, no i didn't
Mr toe: those people think waaay outside the box.
ibruiseeasily: the... pizza box?
Mr toe: no, inside that, but outside the box of familiar thinking.

Regarding: Outlook Calendar Abuse

2004-09-15T08:39:00.000-07:00

MaggiePrin2: i forgot that my team is taking me out to lunch today for my 1 year anniversary
ibruiseeasily: "forgot" huh
ibruiseeasily: how convenient
MaggiePrin2: i did, a-hole, you can look on my calender it was scheduled and everything
ibruiseeasily: you scheduled to forget that you had a lunch planned with your team?

Regarding: My Strange Sleeping Habits

2004-09-14T08:28:00.000-07:00

ibruiseeasily: so i talked to clint last night
MaggiePrin2: how was that
MaggiePrin2: why did he call you at two in the morning on monday?
ibruiseeasily: because he's an idiot
ibruiseeasily: last night, though, i talked to him at like 3
ibruiseeasily: which is like 4 his time
MaggiePrin2: 3 am?
MaggiePrin2: why were you up that late?
ibruiseeasily: because my phone was ringing

Regarding: How Video Game Characters Get a Piece of Ass

2004-09-09T15:08:00.000-07:00

ibruiseeasily: did you ever used to play street fighter?
ibruiseeasily: specifically street fighter 2
PatriotHeart: hell yes
ibruiseeasily: i was wondering...
ibruiseeasily: do you think dhalsim uses a remote?
PatriotHeart: is he the african dude
ibruiseeasily: yes
PatriotHeart: what kind of remote are we talking about here
ibruiseeasily: remote control
ibruiseeasily: like when he watches tv
PatriotHeart: i bet he doesn't use the remote when he's got a chick over and wants to get laid, so he shows off w/ the arms

Regarding: Confidence in Your Friends' Job Prospects

2004-09-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

carnoboy: hey, laura landed a job today
Urmomsahoe: awesome! where?
Urmomsahoe: quiznos?

Regarding: A Case for not using Pronouns, or, Being Awesome in Bed

2004-09-07T14:55:00.000-07:00

ibruiseeasily: laura just called me
ibruiseeasily: she said that she dreamt that we got it on
MaggiePrin2: nice
MaggiePrin2: did she say if you were any good
ibruiseeasily: not me and her
ibruiseeasily: you and i
MaggiePrin2: oh
ibruiseeasily: so i guess i should ask you the same thing
MaggiePrin2: i was probably f-ing awesome
ibruiseeasily: no, i meant if i was any good
MaggiePrin2: well it wasn't my dream so i wouldn't know
ibruiseeasily: touche

Regarding: Whether skinny, narrow islands are landlocked or not

2004-08-30T14:24:00.000-07:00

labaloha: are you all going to the beach?
labaloha: is there a beach in galveston?

Regarding: Well-Wishing on Work Anniversaries

2004-08-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

MaggiePrin2: well happy anniversary
MaggiePrin2: you made it through one year of conservative republican hell

Regarding: maggie's tastebuds

2004-08-26T15:27:00.000-07:00

MaggiePrin2: ashamed of what?
ibruiseeasily: of the fact that you killed your taste buds, and you wouldn't know delicious food if it kicked you in the mouth

Regarding: Why Laura should postpone her trip to Ireland for the AIDS marathon

2004-08-26T15:26:00.000-07:00

carnoboy: you can go like a week later i'm sure
carnoboy: AIDS will still be there

the beginning.

2004-08-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

my blog is going to kick the asses of other blogs. just you wait and see.